"I wish I were dead". It was those words that I spit at my mother in my tween rage. It was those words that taught me the difference between saying something mean and cutting deep. I saw the pain, not anger, flash across my mother's eyes as she uttered softly "Don't you ever say that again, I would be"...she trailed as she swallowed down her cracking voice. "I would be..." I hadn't meant it and I immediately thought of the lonely gravestone that had been sitting at the cemetery until we had buried my grandmother next to it. It was my uncle's, my mom's closest brother. He had taken his own life. He had written a letter. She told me she had refused to read it, as if somehow not reading it would make it less true. I only know he had used a gun.
I recently read a study from January 2020, that stated 61% of adults sometimes feel lonely. 61%!!! And that was pre-pandemic! It’s near certain that number has skyrocketed with lockdowns, And that 61%? They can count this lady amongst that. Yep, I said it. I am surrounded by kid chaos and hugs, conference calls, friends and family who frequently check-in, and plenty of social media hearts and likes, and some days I still feel absolutely lonely as hell. Quarantine isolation is... well, isolating.
I recently saw a post on LinkedIn where a woman, and I'll paraphrase, said that loneliness is not being alone, its a feeling like no one cares. And that struck me. Finding time to be alone can actually be unbelievably healing and rejuvenating, but feeling like nobody cares that you are all alone is a different story.
My uncle had a family who loved him, a wife, and friends, so by definition he wasn't alone, yet there was something that made him feel hopeless and lonely enough to end his life. My mom said she never thought to ask him if he was ok, because he hid his loneliness well. Like most suicides, including that of a high school friend, I will never know why or if it could have been stopped, but I know that it is important to pay honor to the ones you love while they are here. Let them know that you care so that they don't think nobody does. Don't wait until there is no option and you are only left with a letter that you refuse to read.
As we creep up on Valentine's day, the pressure always mounts for so many. This year I can imagine it will be even more brutal for some. So instead of candy hearts, flowers, boxes of chocolates, and dinners we shouldn’t be having in a pandemic anyway, I talked with my little boys about how lonely some people must feel right now and they helped me decide to bin all the chocolate and instead make a collection, Love Bombed, to raise money for suicide prevention. It's not much, but it's something and it showing them how to have awareness for others that are not right under their noses.
In that spirit, if you are up for it, you should do a little "Love Bombing" of your own and reach out to someone you haven't seen in awhile just because and offer them a giggle, a cry, or a listen. XOXO
